Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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