Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
