It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
