Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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