Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
