"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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