We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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