I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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