I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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