According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
