FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm just crazy horny about you
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
