I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
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you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
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Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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