My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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