i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
that is very illegal...i love you.
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