when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
