I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
