I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
