im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
