What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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