So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
