do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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