Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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