My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
