She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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