Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
