Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
