I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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