it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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