My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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