Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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