You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
ttyl tear gas
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
