His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
