i permit you to call me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
