1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
