What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I could fuck to npr.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
