I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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