Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
