I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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