This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
