woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Are we still banned from the library?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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