I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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