You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize