I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
