how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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