Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
