You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
