At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
