Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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