I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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