I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I smell stomach acid.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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