2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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