Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
