somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
