That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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