i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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