I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
