mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
