bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
